Page 306 - Effective Communication Soft Skills Strategies For Success by Nitin Bhatnagar, Mamta Bhatnagar

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statements made by manipulators. Hence ‘I’ statements arerecommended to
parents when talking to children. Watch out for ‘you’ statements.
Personal responsibility is avoided in other ways too: we use ‘we’, ‘it’ or
‘they’ when we are trying to depersonalize our comment and/or vaguely
conceal our feelings or opinions. Sometimes we use ‘we’ when trying to make
it sound like a lot of people agree with us, while in reality no one has autho-
rized us to speak for them. We should take responsibility for expressing our
own opinions or feelings.
Table 13.4 exhibits certain examples.

Table 13.4 ‘We’ and ‘I’ Statements

‘We’, ‘it’, ‘they’ statements ‘I’ statements
‘Most people would have an affair if they ‘I would have an affair if…’
wouldn’t get caught.’
‘The group isn’t interested in…’ ‘I don’t think the group cares...’
‘The glass slipped out of my hand.’ ‘I dropped the glass.’
‘People have a hard time with math.’ ‘I am ashamed of my math score.’
‘The group is trying to help you.’ ‘I want to understand you but I’m having a hard time.’
‘This weather is depressing.’ ‘I feel depressed.’
‘This class is boring.’ ‘I feel bored.’

The last example above shows how our language also causes us problems. It
is important to be aware that personal opinions sound like facts when one
uses a form of ‘am’ or ‘is’, such as ‘you are…’, ‘I am...’, ‘it is...’, and so on.
When personal opinions are stated as facts, it is no wonder that arguments
arise. Note the use of ‘is’ in this example:
Person A: ‘This class is a lot of work but it contains useful information.’
Person B: ‘This class is a complete waste of time.’
These two people could debate the merits and faults of the class for an hour.
It could degenerate into a personal conflict, like ‘You are the teacher’s pet’
and ‘You wouldn’t like anything that required a brain’ and continue with the
argument. On the other hand, if both A and B had made ‘I’ statements there
would have been no argument.
Person A: ‘I really like the self-help class, especially the group.’
‘
Person B: I’m disappointed in that class because I’m not getting anything
out of my group, or those ridiculously long readings.’
In this case, A and B can see that they have responded very differently to the
same class. There can be no argument about that. The class is not inevitably
great or terrible; it meets many peoples’ needs but not everyone’s. After the
‘I’ statements, A and B could discuss their differences and learn more about
themselves, each other, their groups, and the class.

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