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Assertiveness Skills | 291

When we are criticized, there are various ways of attacking back. We
may be sarcastic, get mad, or criticize back. We assume ‘I count, you don’t’.
That is being aggressive. We may cry, be quiet, or get away. We imply ‘You
count, I don’t’. That is being passive. We may pretend to forget but get even by
procrastinating, being late or slow, being silent or whiny, bad mouthing the
critic, or doing any thing that drives him/her up a wall (‘Oh, I didn’t know
that was bothering you’). That is being passive-aggressive. Instead of these
kinds of reactions to criticism, use one of these approaches reflecting a ‘We
both count equally’ attitude:
Acknowledge that the criticism is true, if it is. Don’t make flimsy excuses
but do give honest explanations (if you have a valid one). For example, ‘Yes,
I have put off doing the report’ or ‘Yes, I was late this morning but my car
wouldn’t start’.
Even if you don’t agree with most of the criticism, you can single out
some part that you do agree with and indicate where you agree, disregarding
all the disagreements. For example, ‘You could be right about...’ , ‘I under-
stand how you feel about...’ or ‘This is really ducking the issue but that may
be what you want to do’.
Listen carefully and ask for clarification until the person’s views are
understood. Focus on his/her main point and ask, ‘What is it that bothers
you about...?’
Finally, assertiveness is used to confront difficult situations and people.
Some people just won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, some kids continue arguing;
some people don’t realize how determined you are until you repeat the mes-
sage many times. One technique is called the broken record: you calmly and
firmly repeat a short, clear statement over and over until the other person
gets the message. For example, ‘I want you to be home by midnight’, ‘I don’t like
the product and I want my money back’, or ‘No, I don’t want to go drinking,
I want to study’. Repeat the same statement in exactly the same way until
the other person ‘gets off your back’, regardless of the excuses, diversions, or
arguments given by the other person.

Try Being Assertive in Real Life Situations

Start with the easier, less stressful situations. Build some confidence. Make
adjustments in your approach as needed. Look for or devise ways of sharp-
ening your assertiveness skills. For example, ask a friend to lend you a piece
of clothing, a record album, or a book. Ask a stranger for directions. Ask a
store manager to reduce the price of a soiled or slightly damaged article, to
demonstrate a product, or exchange a purchase. Ask an instructor to help
you understand a point, find extra reading, or go over items you missed
on an exam. Practise speaking and making small talk, give compliments
to friends and strangers, call up a city official when you see something

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